Snap

Please note that when I say, "snap," I really mean "s---." The thing is, my inner narrator (Don't make fun. I bet you have one, too. No, really.) can't stand punctuated euphemisms, because they have no sound; so I chose a completely unrelated proxy word instead, i.e. "snap." So there. And yes, I am aware that in some locales "snap" is slang, or used to be, but I don't care. On with the misadventure!

Jonah had to use the facilities at WalMart. (You can tell this is going to be classy, now.) As we walked into the ladies' room, I held the door for an older mom with a nine-month-old and a five-year-old boy. She asked if I needed the changing table, because I was blocking it. I said no, and joined Jonah in the end stall.

So I was standing there, trying to keep Jonah from making a mess, when the lady started changing her baby. And this is what we heard:

"Boo-boo made a stinky! Did Boo-boo make a stinky in his pants? Mommy loves Boo-boo. . . Oh my goodness! Boo-boo made stinky all over his pants! Oh, it's all over his wee-wee! And his tummy! Uh, oh! (To the five-year-old) Get me wipes NOW! I need wipes! (five-year-old rifles through bag) Oh snap! It's on my hand! Oh snap! Snap, snap, snap! Give me more wipes NOW! Did Boo-boo get all snappy? Oh snap, it's on his shirt! SNAP! Give me more! He's all snappy! SNAP! You're just all snappy, Boo-boo! Snappy, snappy, snappy! SNAP! I touched it! SNAP! . . ."

I don't really know how long she went on with her snappy monologue, because we ran away as soon as Jonah finally finished. But we didn't really escape. When we had almost finished shopping and were passing through the cereal aisle, Jonah let loose a single, emphatic, "Snap!"