Jonah, Future Dentist

In the middle of church tonight, Jonah suddenly shouted, "Teeth? Do you have teeth? Oh, beautiful teeth!"

I Am From

I am from Moon Pies, from fried catfish and butter beans.

I am from the red bricks my father stacked,
straight, warm, strong, in my great grandfather's field.

I am from the sweet gum, jimson, blackberry,
the kudzoo, milkweed, and thick smell of honeysuckle.

I am from cane pole fishing and rifles,
from Dixon and Gully and White.

I am from alchohol and farm labor.

From mind your manners and mind your mama.

I am from the Liberty, Vardamon, DeKalb Baptists.
From hymns and potlucks and caramel cake.

I'm from Mississippi Blackfoot, Navy and Marines.

From the three jobs and five kids, the dirt roads and cemetaries,
the last gray morning and good-bye.

I am from the mirrored pond at sunset,
the woods and barbed-wire fence,
the cricket song ringing in the trees.





Inspired by "Where I'm From" by George Ella Lyons
Read other personal adaptations at Faithful Mommy and Sermon on the Mount (of laundry)

Definition: Jumpslip

"A jumpslip is when we try to jump off the table, and we slip and get hurt. . . Can I have a band-aid now?"

-- Anna and Sarah

Jonah, Medical Miracle

Jonah became curious about Aunt Jenn's tummy tonight. He was shocked to learn that there was a baby inside her, which would someday come out.

Jonah said, "Can I have a baby in my tummy?" and in answer to his own question, started shoving a Cabbage Patch doll up his shirt. It was a tight shirt, so he only managed to get the head wedged against his belly.

As soon as the baby was lodged, Jonah shouted, "It's coming out!"

But the baby did not want to come out.

Jonah struggled for a few moments. The baby didn't budge.

We all said, "Push, Jonah."

Jonah pushed and groaned, "Puuuuurrrrrrsh! . . . Puuuuuuurrrrrsh!"

And the baby popped out onto the floor.

"Yay!" he cried, "Look! My baby came out!"

Yes. So easy.

Peeping

Anna, Sarah, and I were looking at photos.

"Where's Daddy?" asked Anna.

"He's going peep," said Sarah.

"Peep?" I said.

"Yeah, he's peeping."

Anna nodded. "It's what you do when you go potty. Peep."

Mutiny

Three reasons why Jonah almost died at breakfast:

• "Shut up, Mommy."
• "You're not the boss."
• "Shut up, Mommy." (again)
  

At first, I thought I must have heard him wrong. Surely, my son could not be suicidal at the age of two. So I asked him to repeat himself. He whispered the words, wide-eyed, obviously aware of how mutinous they were, awestruck by his own bravado, "Shut up? Mommy?"

It was as though he were politely asking, "Mommy? Would you please kill me?" (Then again, if he actually said, "Please kill me," I would refuse. Whereas, "Shut up, Mommy," is a much more convincing death wish.)

Not ten minutes later, he struck gold again. I said (very calmly, I might add), "Jonah, finish your cereal." To which Jonah replied, cringing, "You're not the boss."

"What?" I said.

"Shut up, Mommy."

Oh, no he didn't.

It occurred to me-- if I lived in 2006 B.C., my son would be stoned by the village elders.

I Feel Pretty

Jason took Jonah aside and reviewed the plan.

"Okay, Jonah. Now, go right up to Mommy and say, 'You look pretty!' Okay?"

"Okay," said Jonah.

He ran to me and said, "Mommy! I look pretty!"

Good Old Girl

Jonah had searched the house up and down for pants. Finally, he came to me and asked for help.

I gave him some navy sweat pants.

He grinned. "Those are Jonah's!"

"Yes," I said, "Now, what do you say?"

"Thank you, Mommy," said Jonah. "You're a good girl!"

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage . . .

A Dramatic Reenactment
In Two Acts

Performed by
Anna, age 4
Sarah, age 4


Act 1: The Wedding

Sarah: Sissy, you be Becky, and I'll be Jason.

Anna: Okay.

Sarah: Becky! I want to marry you.

Anna: I want to marry you, too.

Sarah presses in for a wet, sloppy kiss.

Anna: Ew! Stop it!

Sarah: Okay, we're married now. Lie down on the couch.

Act 2: The Offspring

Sarah: Hurry, Becky! Lay down in the hospital! They're starting without us!

Anna: Oh, no!

Anna flops down onto the love seat. Two seconds later . . .

Anna: Okay, Jason, here they are!

Sarah: Wow! Babies!

Anna: Yeah. There's four twins: two boys and two girls. See? The boys go in my left arm and the girls go in my right arm.

Sarah: We have lots of babies!

Anna: I know.

Sarah: I want to have TEN babies!

Anna: Okay!

Finis

You Ain't Got No Reason

Jonah was dancing a flailing jig.

Jason: "Jonah, did you step on something?"

Jonah: "No."

Jason: "Got a squirrel loose in your britches?"

Jonah: "No."

Jason: "Bunny rabbit in your pants?"

Jonah: "No."

Jason: "Haven't you got any excuse? Sometimes when I've got a good excuse, I get up and dance, too."

Jonah: "No, Daddy. You don't have an excuse!"

Superman Unsupervised

Jonah: "Mommy, I go outside by myself."

Me: "No, Jonah. You go outside with Mommy or Daddy, not by yourself."

Jonah: "Superman goes outside by himself!"

Me: "Yes, he does go out by himself."

Jonah: "Superman goes outside by himself, and he got owwies."

Me: "He did?"

Jonah: "Yes! Bad guys hurt him!"

Me: "They hurt Superman?"

Jonah: "Yeah . . . I go outside with Mommy and Daddy!"

Jonah, Two-Year-Old Schizo

Jonah pretended to bite into his baseball.

"What are you eating?" said Jonah.

"A muffin!" said Jonah.

"A muffin?" said Jonah.

"Yeah, a muffin!" said Jonah.

"Want to go outside?" said Jonah.

"Aaah," said Jonah. "Yes! I go outside!"

Only on Wednesdays

Sarah found an old toy cat in the back of the van. She played with it all the way to town.

Anna finally got impatient. "Sissy! I need to have a turn holding Kitty."

"She likes playing with me. See?" Sarah made Kitty prance on her lap.

"But she's my kitty," said Anna. "She doesn't want to be around new people."

"But I've played with her lots of times, and she likes it. Wheee!" Kitty slid down Sarah's seatbelt.

"Sissy, this day is a day when she doesn't like new people, because today is-- Mommy?"

"What?" I said.

"What day is it today?" she asked urgently.

"It's Wednesday."

"See?" said Anna. "Kitty doesn't like you on Wednesdays."

Heresy

While I was reading e-mail, Sarah called to me from the living room, "Mommy! Will you read this Bible to me?"

"Sure!" I said. "Bring it in here!"

She walked into the den and handed me Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Anna the Gentle

Anna yanked her stick horse up by the mane.
With all her might, she slapped it across the face and yelled, "Hya!"

Definition: Girlfriend

"A girlfriend is a mean friend."

-- Anna

Anna the Carnivorous

We ate specialty pizza for dinner tonight, with gourmet sausage on top.

Everyone was enjoying themselves, when Jason got a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

Jason: "Do you know what kind of sausage that is?"

I cringed, shooting Jason a glare that screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!"

Anna and Sarah: "What kind?"

Jason: "It's tongue sausage."

Sarah gasped.

Anna: "TONGUE sausage?"

Jason: "Yeah. It's cow's tongue."

Anna: "A cow's tongue?"

Jason: "Yeah, a tongue from a cow."

Anna: "Did the cow cry?"

Jason: "No, not when you were eating him. Maybe when they killed it."

Sarah: "He cried when they killed him?"

Jason: "Yeah, he probably did."

Anna: "Can we make sausage?"

Modesty

Anna and Sarah were undressing for a bath.

Suddenly, Anna shrieked, "EeEEeeeeeeek!"

"Stop that!" I shouted. "Why are you screaming?"

"I was scared!"

"Of what?" I said.

"Of Sissy's bottom!"

Goldilocks

Goldilocks
An Original Story

Performed by
Anna, age 4

Commentary by
Sarah, age 4
Jason, age 27

Anna: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. And she went to a house where there was a mean bear. And she went inside and saw something good and eaty.

Sarah: Eaty means something you can eat.

Jason: Thanks for clarifying.

Anna: Yes. And she was soooo hungry. She saw three bowls of cereal.

Sarah: Porridge.

Anna: No. This isn't The Three Bears. She saw three bowls of cereal.

Jason: What kind?

Anna: Mini Wheats.

Jason: Good choice.

Anna: So she tried the first bowl of Mini Wheats and it was too... too...

Jason: Soggy.

Anna: Yeah. It was too soggy. Then she tried the second bowl, and it was too...

Jason: Crunchy.

Anna: Crunchy. Then she tried the third bowl, and it was juuuuust right, and she ate it all up!

Sarah: This is just like The Three Bears.

Anna: It's not The Three Bears. Then she felt like sitting. So she went in the living room and there were three chairs.

Jason: Couches?

Anna: No. Chairs. First she sat in Papa Bear's chair, but it was too... too...

Jason: Mod.

Anna: Yes. It was too mod. Then she sat in Mama Bear's chair, but it was too... too... too...

Jason: French country.

Anna: It was too French country. Then she sat in Baby Bear's chair and it was--

Jason: Too cute.

Anna: It was too cute! And that was just right for Goldilocks. So she sat in it up and down so many times, it broked, and it falled, and Goldilocks falled too.

Sarah: This is just like The Three Bears.

Anna: No, it's not. Then she was soooooo sleepy that she wanted to lay down, so she went upstairs.

Jason: But she didn't find any beds, because the bears shopped at Ikea and had futons.

Anna: No. They had beds. First she laid down in Papa Bear's bed...

Jason: But his sleep number was like ninety.

Anna: No. It was too...

Jason: Smelly.

Anna: Yeah, smelly. Then she tried Mama Bear's bed, and it--

Jason: It had too many pillows. Mama Bears always sleep with too many pillows.

Anna: Yeah. Then she tried Baby Bear's bed and it was just right. So she laid down, and her head was on the pillow, and she falled faaaaast asleep.

Sarah: This is just like The Three Bears.

Anna: No, it's a different story.

Sarah: But she ate the food, and then she broked the chairs, and then she slept in Baby Bear's bed!

Anna: It is not The Three Bears, Sissy! Then the three bears comed home. And Papa Bear said, "Somebody has been eating my cereal." And Mama Bear said, "Somebody has been eating my cereal." And Baby Bear said, "Somebody has been eating my cereal too, and she ate it all up!"

Jason: How did Baby Bear know it was a 'she'? He's never seen Goldilocks before. Is this like the sequel to The Three Bears?

Anna: This is NOT The Three Bears!

It's the End of the World

Spotted on Yahoo! Mail:

"When e-mail is not instant enough . . ."

Jonah Hangs Up the Cape

Jonah: "I just a guy."

Me: "Just a guy?"

Jonah: "Yeah. I not Superman."

Me: "You're not?"

Jonah: "No. I just so busy."

Jonah, Waste Management

I took out the bathroom trash today. Apparently, this upset Jonah's two-year-old sense of order.

All morning, he roamed the house, collecting bits of trash here and there.

He showed me each handfull, and asked, "Can I put it in the potty trash, Mommy?"

"Sure," I said.

When the can was full, he led me to the bathroom to show me.

He pointed forcefully at the trash and said, "Now, leave it in!" and stomped away.

Hello, Baby!

Jason: "Hello!"

Jason: "Helloooo!"

Jason: "Hello, hello!"

Jason: "Hello, hello, hello!"

Jason: "Hello--"

Naiah: "Hella."

The Wonders of Modern Technology

When I walked into the den this morning, I stumbled onto a mysterious scene.

My twin four-year-old girls, my two-year-old boy, and my nine-month-old baby were gathered in a tight circle around the printer, staring, perfectly motionless.

On the monitor, a Ruby and Max print screen was blinking.

The printer suddenly sounded its ready signal, and everyone gasped.

Sarah: "It's making another one!"

Anna: "Yay!"

Jonah: "Oooh!"

Sarah: "It's a picture for you, Sissy!"

Anna: "Yeah! I know!"

Jonah: "Wow!"

Anna removed the finished printout, and yelled rapturously, "Thank you!"

Signs That I Need to Get Out More

Tonight Jenn and I left the kids at home with their dads, while we sang an Easter program with a small choir in Chester.

As I was leaving the house, this is what I heard.

Sarah: "Where is Mommy going?"

Jason: "She's leaving, to go sing in a choir."

Sarah: "She's leaving?"

Jason: "Yeah."

Sarah: "But who will take care of us?"

Jason: "I will!"

Sarah: "YOU?"

Nevermind

While I was washing dishes, Jonah pushed his cup onto the counter and said, "Nevermind."

"Okay," I said, wondering what he meant. I kept washing.

"Nevermind, Mommy," he said.

"Okay, buddy."

"Nevermind!" he insisted.

I yelled, "Okay! Nevermind!"

He shook his head. "Not never yours! Never mine!"

Kerr vs. Kenmore

For six months, I hated my sewing machine.

It mangled fabric. It unthreaded itself constantly. It jammed with massive tangles.

I retaliated by locking it in a closet.

Because of our ongoing disagreement, I pieced a quilt almost entirely by hand, with help from other machines. I was still angry, but proud that I could do without it.

Jenn, who loaned me her Singer, suggested I might be to blame. And once, when I tried to sew with the stitch length set at zero, I thought she might be right.

But ultimately, I knew it was the machine, not me. It just wasn't tough enough to keep up with my demands. It was the wrong machine for me.

Easter showed up on the horizon, and the lure of cheap, cute fabric was irresistible. Instead of buying dresses, I came home with four yards of seersucker and some pink ribbon for trim.

I got out my trusty needle and thread, and went to work. But halfway through the first dress, I started thinking about my machine, and how much faster it would be, if only it would work.

I called for help: 1-800-4-MY-HOME, Sears repair service. The nice lady on the phone said they would ship my machine to Reno, diagnose it for $35, and charge me extra for parts and labor. She had no idea how long it would take. Not good.

One option remained-- a woman in a neighboring town, who repaired top-of-the-line machines for the local quilt shops. I got her number from information and called it.

She was a sweet lady. But, just as I feared, she charged $55 for diagnosis and small repairs, and more for complex problems. I told her my machine probably wasn't even worth diagnosis.

She asked, “Well, what are the symptoms?”

So I listed them off for her.

“That's easy,” she said. “It sounds like you threaded it wrong.”

I laughed. “I don't think so. This thing has like a three-step threading system. You can't thread it wrong.”

And I listed a few more symptoms, just to convince her.

“It really sounds like you're threading it wrong. But if you want to bring it in, go ahead.” She sounded like she felt guilty taking money from such a moron.

“Okay,” I said. “I guess I'll check it and then bring it in, if it still won't work.” But I knew it wouldn't work.

I blew the dust off my machine, got out the manual, and flipped straight to the troubleshooting section. The book seemed to agree with the repair lady. So I looked up the threading guide. Page 24.

Around Upper Thread Guide: check.

Around Check Spring Holder: check.

Over the Take-up Leader: check.

Behind Thread Guide on the Left: ch-- Wait a minute!

I have always, always, always, since the first day I used this machine and thought it was wonderful, used the RIGHT thread guide. RIGHT!

So I tried it the book's way, just for fun.

It worked. That lady was right. I really was a moron. For a minute. Then it started skipping stitches and unthreading again.

Ha! It wasn't my fault! I threaded it right, and it still failed! Ha! I couldn't wait to see the look on the repair lady's face when I showed her that I had a real problem like bad tension discs or something equally exotic!

I wanted a sure victory, so I read the troubleshooting guide under “Skipped Stitches.” It listed causes such as a blunt needle, a bent needle, an improperly installed needle. But my needle was new and straight and properly inserted with the flat side facing front.

Not my fault!

I turned to the needle insertion page for confirmation. “Insert a new needle into the needle clamp '2' with the flat side to the rear...”

Oh.

So my machine works now. It made two dresses in a day. If I ever have to call the repair lady again, I will use an alias.

One Step Forward . . .

In his manliest voice, Jonah announced, "I a girl."

Sarah said, "No, you're not."

"Yes, I a girl!" he insisted.

"No, you're not!" said Sarah.

I decided to intervene. "Jonah, you're a boy. You have a wee-wee. Girls don't have wee-wees."

"Yes," said Jonah proudly, "I have a wee-wee."

"Daddy has a wee-wee too," I said, "because Daddy is a boy."

Jonah was very pleased. "Yes, Daddy has a wee-wee!"

Finally! I thought, I finally got through to him!

Sarah: "Mommy?"

Me: "What, baby?"

Sarah: "What's a wee-wee?"

When I Grow Up

At dinner tonight, Jason told Sarah to finish her green beans.

Sarah replied, "I'm tired of eating."

Jason: "Well, if you don't eat, you won't grow up."

Sarah: "But I want to grow up, so I can wash dishes!"

Anna the Precocious

Anna came downstairs and asked for her notebook. "I'm in high school. Sissy is the high school teacher, and I'm the high school student."

"Oh, then you must be a teenager," I said.

"No," said Anna. "I'm seven."

Home

My great-grandmother is Etta Smith.
She was born into the Gully family in Mississippi, 1904.
She hated needlework, and preferred to play outdoors with her brother, Albert, climbing trees.
She married the boy across the pasture. His name was Johnny Smith.
She worked her garden and raised her children, a boy and a girl, my grandmother.
She used recipes that were simple, tasty, and easy to remember.
She went to church every Sunday.
She lost her house to a fire after her children were grown, and built it again, on the same spot.
She lost her husband and her brother and her friends.
She outlived her son.
She read books by the bagfull, in her old age.
She crocheted afghans for everyone in her family.
She wrote poetry.
She teased her son-in-law.
She never missed Wheel of Fortune.
She never complained.
She survived uterine cancer, almost a century old.
She healed completely from a broken hip.
She pleaded with God to take her to heaven, and waited decades, trusting Him.
She told her grandchildren she would climb a tree when she got there.
She said she would run, and ride a bike.
She would ask for a job in the garden.
She slipped into a coma, at the age of 102, yesterday.
She went home.
We are proud of her, and so happy she is free.

How to Get a Bill

Anna and Sarah were pretending to be grown-ups this afternoon. They ran around the yard on important errands.

Sarah sent Anna into a make-believe office, to pay a bill. Anna went in and came out, shouting happily, "Look! I got a bill!"

Sarah said, "No, no no, Sissy! First you pay them a check, and then they give you a bill."

Jonah, Man's Best Friend

We played outside all day. It was warm and beautiful, and the snow was almost gone.

After lunch, we took our drinks outside in plastic cups. Jonah carried his cup out into the yard, dumped his water into a plastic sled, crouched down on his hands and knees, and lapped it up.

Jonah, Picasso

Why is it that when I think it's finally safe to give Jonah markers, he colors the doors?

I really ought to know better by now. This time I'm going to pin up a photo of his latest handiwork, to remind me not to let him near ink before he reaches the age of ten.

At least now I know where he gets his artistic compulsions... Tonight, when Naiah and I returned from a trip to the store, we learned that Jason (a.k.a. influential male role model) had painted the twins' fingers with a red marker.

Gender Confusion

Anna: Sarah is trying to kiss me. She wants to marry me.

Me: You can't marry her. She's a girl, and she's your sister.

Sarah: I'm pretending to be a prince, and she's a princess.

Me: Oh, okay then.

Jonah: I a prince, too!

Me: You're a prince, buddy?

Jonah: No. I a princess!

Nutrition 101

Confession: This morning, my children ate animal crackers for breakfast.

We had plenty of healthy, vitamin-enriched cereals on hand-- it wasn't that; it was just that Jonah got into the kitchen before Mommy and helped himself to a little morning snack. This, of course, prompted the girls to follow suit.

Anna, who likes to think of herself as the upstanding one, was the one who informed me that "Sissy and Jonah got animal crackers by themselves," while hiding her own bowl-full behind her back. Being in a rather sleepy but amicable state of mind, I said, 'all right,' and let it go.

Lunch time rolled around, and I was still feeling uninspired. So we dined on Walmart-special hot dogs and white bread. Yummy.

I was determined to save the day at dinner. So right after lunch, I started a big pot of black beans simmering. I figured I would pull apart the rest of the chicken in the fridge, mix it in with some seasonings, heat it in the skillet, and have black bean and chicken burritos, with lots of tomato and dark leafy greens tucked in where the kids might not notice them.

When Jason got home, I refried the black beans, heated the chicken, and got out the tortillas. Then I realized that my dark leafy greens had turned to mush in the crisper. And on top of that, we were fresh out of tomato.

One thing we did have in unhealthy quantities: Cheese.

And that was how my healthy burrito dinner idea turned into something else. Namely, nachos.

To Debbie K., Singer of the Address Song

Last night Jenn and I were driving home from choir, with Anna and Sarah in the back of the van.

Just as we started to pull into town, Sarah shouted, "Hey! This looks just like our town!"

"You're right, it is our town." I said. "Do you remember what it's called?"

"No," she said.

Me: "It's called Westwood. And do you remember your address?"

Sarah: "No..."

Anna: "I remember my address!"

Me: "What is it?"

Anna: "It's yellow... and it has little flowers and stuff on it..."

Sarah: "Mine is just blue."

Jonah, Super Villain

During naptime, Jonah kicked Anna in the nose, hard.

After the ensuing chaos died down and the bleeding was under control, Jason sat down with Jonah to have a little chat. He began, "Jonah, we never ever hit people, or kick them. And we never, ever, ever, ever hit or kick girls!"

Jonah, still sniffling, said, "Okay."

"We protect girls," said Jason.

Jonah perked up a little. "Superman protect girls," he said.

Jason: "Yes, Superman protects girls. Bad guys hit girls."

Jonah: "Bad guys hit girls?"

Jason: "Yes, bad guys hurt girls."

Jonah: "But I not bad guy! I Superman!"

Jason: "You can't be Superman if you hurt girls."

Jonah ran to find Anna. He apologized for acting like a bad guy.

Jonah, Two-Year-Old Addict

I poured a few sips of my soda into Jonah's cup today.

He downed it and asked, "Can I have more soda?"

I said, "No, honey. Soda has caffeine. Caffeine can make you shaky if you drink too much."

"Oh," said Jonah. "Can I have coffee?"

Announcing Number Five

I guess it was inevitable.

We decided after Naiah that we were done having babies. But, apparently we are so super-fertile that no amount of birth control can prevent us from proliferating.

Strangely, I'm not even nervous this time. I think I've come to terms with the fact that I was meant to have a huge family, and that's okay. At least we have room now.

So here goes...

To all of you who care to know:
We're pregnant. Again.

Last request: Please try not to yell when you call us.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane!

Jonah spotted the Superman image on my blog this morning.

He yelled, "Look! It's Jonah!"